Letter to the Community


Complying with dictates of Sapphire Heights I must reveal to you that I have a fetish for toilets. The solid, white porcelain, the high ceilings, and the sterile looking walls with frosted glass windows set in sturdy white oak casements. It’s all so ovarian. The aroma of urinal cakes draws me in every time. It’s the same scent as birth. Restrooms are the nonhuman functionaries of every building in the city. And yet, through architecture and upkeep, they never fail to capture the true culture and politics of the time. Contrarily, human functionaries are the keepers of the lie, not the symbols of truth.

It’s just such birth—raw, aroma-filled, productive birth—that I aim to bring to Sapphire Heights. The birthing of ideas and cloud castle conversations that build over time to defend, to encompass, to ingratiate, and to beautify. All loose and mobile as the clouds, and that’s why I believe the fawning founders of Sapphire Heights wished me to put forth the effort of this letter … so you, my future neighbors, will know something about me before I come.

And I am coming. Just as I did earlier today in the men’s restroom at Central Plaza Banks. Hard, at the urinal, I came as sort of a preemptive strike to level our playing field. Really it was just a way of preparing myself to write this letter, to expose myself to you—a Shakespearean dumb show, if you will.

You might think of it like this: my version of the Sam Harris “Camel’s Back” nuclear attack on anyone who follows Islam. Right? In his opinion, because some of us are convinced that the Islamic doctrine gives them the potential for unrestrained violence against us, then we should use unrestrained violence first. Only substitute, “anyone who follows Islam” for “anyone who lives in a high-priced, gated community” and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

Urinal cakes. They buzz with the wavelengths reserved for cautionary signs and unnatural things one should not eat. I eat those things. I ignore those signs. So you, community of Sapphire Heights, need me at the forefront to guide you out of containment and forward toward eye-peeling awareness of a fearless life. A life of act, before acted upon.

I am coming. And you know it within the truest heart of your hearts.


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